10/19/13

Doing Me

How do I start this post? Well I guess the first thing I want to make clear is that I'm in a really good place right now. While I had a deep feeling that this year was going to have wonderful things in store for me, I guess I could have never anticipated how good it actually was going to be. I don't know when it happened: I don't know when I changed or when the world around me changed -- but I feel so myself right now. I feel so in love with where I am. Somewhere along the timeline I decided that I am me and this is my life and I need to do me. I need to not pretend to be someone else; I need to accept who I am and start my flourishing. I feel so confident and so ready for once, you know? Ready for what, I don't know. Life, maybe.

Don't get me wrong, I still have fears. For example, getting my work done in my art classes -- it feels like I'm constantly trying to keep up and the quarter system doesn't allow for messing around. I'm afraid that I won't be very good at what I need to be good at; I'm afraid that I will apply for the major but then not get in. I guess this just speaks to my fear of failure in general. I'm also stressed about eating healthy and my body image. Not sure that that will ever end. Self esteem is a constant battle. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't find that person that I'm supposed to find. I look for you in everyone I meet, but why? Why do I do that to myself? I worry that I think too much and then I realize that me worrying about that is part of the problem.

But on the other hand: I love that I'm being challenged in art. I'm being pushed to stay up late to get things done and stretch my mind in a different way. My new bedtime is between 2:30am and 3:30am because most nights of the week I am in the art center with friends; working and painting and laughing and musicing and talking deeply. But I love it. I love it all. I've also been trying to say "screw society's idea of beauty" more. Sometimes it works; sometimes I appreciate my body and I like the way I look. College is a weird place because so many young people are thrown together and that means there are opportunities for comparison to occur. And it does -- often. And that's rough.

I've been meeting so many people this year and I've chosen to open my arms up wide. I want to be welcoming; I want to refrain from closing myself off from everyone and withdrawing into myself. Yes, I need alone time like everyone else. But so often lately have I been thriving off of good conversation and good jokes and just genuinely good people. And my friends! Oh my friends! This is getting so cheesy and so ridiculous but I have to just try to explain it. I feel so much closer to everyone and so deeply in love with them all. I wasn't lying when I said this is a year to deepen friendships. And guess what? It's happening. 

The possibilities of my life seem simply endless, which I know sounds silly. I guess I'm just happy. I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I can't see myself doing anything else. I'm supposed to be here in college; I'm supposed to be experiencing all things and growing from them; I'm supposed to be lost but in the good way -- the way that screams ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN and you've got to learn to run with that because things will work out. There's too much good music and there are too many exchanges of knowing glances and there are too many smiles and laughs and there's far, far too much coffee to think anything else. xx

currently listening to // the head & the heart - lost in my mind 

11 comments:

  1. this is beautiful & makes me miss college! all of these good vibes are so inspiring!

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  2. But on the other hand: I love YOU
    <3 <3 <3 hearts hearts hearts

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  3. I'm glad that your happy! It makes me miss school and friends...hopefully after this year off working, I will be where you are now!

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  4. This is amazing and inspiring but makes me want to graduate so much sooner. I have been looking at SPU and when I came across your blog it made me want to go there even more. I'm happy to hear life is good right now, life should always be good.

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  5. I am so happy that you are feeling positive and excited for the future. Prayers are being answered! Love you my sweet girl xoxoxo

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  6. Inspiring post. Love the photos, too!
    If you have a moment, I'd love for you to check out this contest where you could win one of my art prints!
    http://youngbirdblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/win-anything-from-my-etsy-shop.html

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  7. That is so great to hear, that you are doing better. We will always have fears but we need to learn from them and not let them take us down. By the way yesterday I discovered the head and the heart, they have great songs.

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  8. So glad to hear you've had such a good year! I know my bedtime's been getting gradually later and later 'cause of art school too. And as much as I enjoy just being alone, I have really been enjoying hanging out with my friends in the art building at my school :) Hope your projects all go well!

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  9. i love this post. it's so wonderful when we can feel at peace with where we are in life at the moment— i've been experiencing it lately and i am so in love with the freedom i feel. cheers to you and all this positivity!

    ps— the head and the heart is my favorite *swoon*

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