Don't get me wrong, I still have fears. For example, getting my work done in my art classes -- it feels like I'm constantly trying to keep up and the quarter system doesn't allow for messing around. I'm afraid that I won't be very good at what I need to be good at; I'm afraid that I will apply for the major but then not get in. I guess this just speaks to my fear of failure in general. I'm also stressed about eating healthy and my body image. Not sure that that will ever end. Self esteem is a constant battle. Sometimes I'm afraid that I won't find that person that I'm supposed to find. I look for you in everyone I meet, but why? Why do I do that to myself? I worry that I think too much and then I realize that me worrying about that is part of the problem.
But on the other hand: I love that I'm being challenged in art. I'm being pushed to stay up late to get things done and stretch my mind in a different way. My new bedtime is between 2:30am and 3:30am because most nights of the week I am in the art center with friends; working and painting and laughing and musicing and talking deeply. But I love it. I love it all. I've also been trying to say "screw society's idea of beauty" more. Sometimes it works; sometimes I appreciate my body and I like the way I look. College is a weird place because so many young people are thrown together and that means there are opportunities for comparison to occur. And it does -- often. And that's rough.
I've been meeting so many people this year and I've chosen to open my arms up wide. I want to be welcoming; I want to refrain from closing myself off from everyone and withdrawing into myself. Yes, I need alone time like everyone else. But so often lately have I been thriving off of good conversation and good jokes and just genuinely good people. And my friends! Oh my friends! This is getting so cheesy and so ridiculous but I have to just try to explain it. I feel so much closer to everyone and so deeply in love with them all. I wasn't lying when I said this is a year to deepen friendships. And guess what? It's happening.
The possibilities of my life seem simply endless, which I know sounds silly. I guess I'm just happy. I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I can't see myself doing anything else. I'm supposed to be here in college; I'm supposed to be experiencing all things and growing from them; I'm supposed to be lost but in the good way -- the way that screams ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN and you've got to learn to run with that because things will work out. There's too much good music and there are too many exchanges of knowing glances and there are too many smiles and laughs and there's far, far too much coffee to think anything else. xx
currently listening to // the head & the heart - lost in my mind