I figured that this post would have to come at some point, but I was putting it off until I could really put everything I am feeling and thinking into words. I'm not promising that I can do that efficiently even now - I have a hard time doing that as it is - but I'm going to try because I promised a while ago that I was going to be real with you guys. So here we go. My relationship with Nat ended a little over a month ago. You might have noticed that I haven't been talking about him or showing photos of him. I've been talking a lot with my good friend Maggie about this, because she too recently went through a break up.
In all honestly, I am not the type of person to retain that positive attitude that is sort of necessary for something like this. After reading Maggie's post, I thought to myself, 'gee, why can't you have that attitude?' and truth be told - I'm getting there, so all is not lost. I suppose I've always been a person who struggles with finding happiness in themselves and not looking for that special someone to make everything right. I'm not saying that's why my relationship ended, but rather, once a relationship does end, it makes you really consider the relationship and the ins and outs of it. The main reason that Nat and I decided to end our relationship was because of the fact that I am going to be moving to Seattle at the end of the summer, and Nat is going to be a senior in highschool this year. We both agreed the distance would not work out.
I've been hurting lately because of this whole thing. Really, it's just a rough situation. There is no easy way out and no simple solution to feeling better. I loved Nat and I still do but we knew things weren't going to work out. I feel like the most difficult thing about this whole ordeal is the aspect of a person being there in your life... and then just suddenly... they are gone. Nat wasn't just my boyfriend - he was my best friend. I think it goes without saying that when you commit yourself to a relationship, that significant other is close in a way that no other person is close to you. You can tell them things and you trust them; you know they are going to be there for you.
I suppose it's difficult being alone. Yet, it is also amazing. In Maggie's post, she talked about all the good things about being alone and independent and it dawned on me that I never really consider it from that perspective. (There I go again..admitting to having those cynical tendencies...) I dwell on all the reasons that I am sad that I am alone instead of enjoying the other side of it. Now, I'm speaking a bit in the past because today as I'm writing this, I am feeling good. Decent. For me, I think it will take a while to truly be happy that I am single and now a different person - an independent person. Certainly leaving and graduating from high school has helped that push though. I am taking this summer and the time I have left before leaving for Seattle to truly delve into who I am as a person. A person without a boyfriend and someone who can be happy on her own.