Choppy

If you can believe it or not, I haven't blogged since the end of spring break and now it's almost the end of spring quarter. I miss taking photos, but I suppose I've gotten my fix in some ways by keeping up with my Instagram. It's interesting how things change, and how we change – sometimes faster than thought possible. I remember late this past summer when I was so concerned with what life would be like if I didn't blog or if I wasn't considered a "blogger". I get so caught up in those labels, you know? Well, obviously life is different in ways, but I'm okay. Blogging has been put away because I guess somehow, I don't need it right now. I'm not sure why I needed it before – I guess it gave me something of which to be proud. To be honest, I don't really know what I'm proud of anymore. This worries me.

I've been reminded lately about how fleeting a lot of things are, and how that's scary but also it's a good reminder that we only really can count on one thing – God. I've been in and out of my faith lately. I guess I let myself believe I'm too busy for God sometimes... but more often than not, I'm just not giving Him the time. I don't give time to a lot of the things I want to, which is a never-ending frustration for me.

Some things have been heavy on my mind lately. I've decided not to continue being photo editor for my school's newspaper for next fall and this decision has stirred up a lot of doubt in my mind. I've realized more and more lately that I'm fueled by some sort of guilt. I want to appease people and often feel like I owe it to someone to be a certain way and to do certain things. I don't give myself the credit to accept that I can make decisions that will be good for me.

A few things are coming together for this summer and next fall. I'm subletting a room with my friend Mallory in the house that we will be renting in the fall with five other girls !!! Summer is somewhat of a shining oasis in my mind right now. I have such a painful urge to get out of these dorms and this school. I know summer isn't going to be perfect; in fact I'll probably be lonely sometimes or bored even. I plan to get a job, though I haven't found one yet. I want to also get a moped for transportation. I know everyone always says it – but I want to do a lot this summer. I want to improve myself, do things I love, play outside, make the most out of my first summer in Seattle. It's important to have goals, even if sometimes they don't turn out exactly how planned.

This is some very choppy writing, but I wanted to just spit some stuff out. I'm thinking of redesigning this whole blog and working on my html/css skills this summer, so look out for that ! Also if you like these photos, follow my Instagram @mothspeak .

Yours always,

xoxo Elanor